When I exhaled, the breath on my face was colder than the air around me. A trick our neighbor offered when he heard us arguing. For the first time in our history, we were shouting at each other, and the physical discomfort of our surroundings stoked our individual discord. For him, it was the rising anxiety over starting a new job on a TV show in a few short days. There was a momentary ceasefire when I noticed our cat becoming sluggish and unresponsive.
We both panicked and I was close to tears before my boyfriend went out for more ice in the middle of the night. We locked the cat in the shower, where the tile and ice helped us create a makeshift cooler, until day break. But neither one of us got more than an hour of sleep , when the temperature mercifully dipped down to the low s just before dawn.
Between the heat, his pink eye, my eczema, and an ill cat, it felt like some tortuous relationship version of Escape the Room — a test to see if we had what it took to withstand the worst of ourselves after four comparatively calm years together.
During our first month, the inconveniences kept mounting until they felt like the 10 plagues. We had cockroaches. I got stung by a bee taking out the trash, and the sting got infected. The movers were delayed. Marvin hated Los Angeles, and soon, his distaste for my beloved city rubbed off on me.
Marvin got a job in New York and asked me to move to Brooklyn with him. Instead of recognizing this as a huge sacrifice—my career roots were in Los Angeles—I saw it as the happily-ever-after to our love story.
I forgot about how the lights blind me, how my vagabond shoes get ruined in the slush, and how I never reach that New York state of mind no matter how many slices of greasy pizza I eat. I thought I had to prioritize my relationship. I sold, donated, and threw away possessions until I could finally pack up my life into two suitcases, just like when I arrived in Los Angeles.
But now I stepped off the plane with a dream for my happily ever after—not for my career aspirations. Or does one of you think it's a sure sign an engagement is on the way, while the other wants to see how it goes before making that declaration?
Getting open and honest about this major milestone will only boost your relationship. No judgment if when visiting your long-distance partner, you spend pretty much every minute of your time together in bed. Why not, since you have to go without when you're apart? But once you're in the same city, you'll probably need to adjust to a different sexual schedule. Let's be real: it would be normal to feel more than a little upset if you shook up your entire life for someone who promptly dumped you.
You're a human, not a saint. But feeling real, lasting resentment that they ruined your life could be a sign that you're not as on board with the move as you might think. Holding a grudge isn't inevitable if you break up after moving for someone!
It's not uncommon to spend a ton of time getting ready before you visit each other in an LDR, and also to be on your best behavior during those trips. Think of being in the same city as a big ol' reality check—those facades fade away and are replaced with what it's like to actually be together.
Or does one of you feel much more strongly about it than the other? Opening up about that can be painful, but probably less so than having to move back to where you started because it took being in the same city to realize you weren't equally invested. My boyfriend gave me a place to stay while I was looking for more a permanent situation, went with me to housing viewings, and let me know about anything and everything fun so I could meet new people.
If you're taking on such a major life change, your partner can at least do their due diligence to make it as easy as possible. High five if you've already landed a job before making the move! But also no worries if you haven't yet. When it happened I felt more alone than I have ever felt with no support system nearby to run to or talk to. Identifying a community to move into made a big difference for Block.
For her it was the gay community where her wife was an active member. I don't think everyone has something, though, like if you're a foodie that doesn't automatically plug you in. Nashville-based writer Kristin Luna created her own community when she moved to San Francisco for her now-husband — with some advance planning.
Luna chose to give it a year before committing to the move from New York. But that year gave her time to put some pieces in place. By the time I moved to San Francisco, I had a healthy Rolodex of contacts at top publications in New York that made freelancing a bit easier. That time upfront was key in their success.
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