Reality has other ideas. Even if not overly dramatic, breakups can be messy and time-consuming. There is blame, anger, hurt. Like earphones left in your pocket too long, the strands of our relationships can take years to untangle, but what happens when someone new comes on the scene? They have no skin in the game, no attachment — all they have is your version of events.
Do you have what it takes to handle the conversations about the ex? Tempting as it is to scorch the earth and pretend it never happened, a man who refuses to talk about his ex is a worry. Your new partner may panic that said ex is buried under the floorboards or, in a rather more unlikely scenario I grant you, a mysterious celebrity to whom they can never match up.
You may benefit from just writing a letter or email airing out everything you want to say but never actually sending the letter. Be clear about what you want when you contact them.
When most people get a text or message from their ex, they'll immediately wonder, "What do they want? Be as direct and transparent as possible. You can reach out and say, "I've been thinking about you lately and wanted to see how you're doing. Want to meet for coffee?
You can also send a text asking to get coffee or to have a conversation, or you can just say what you need to say via text, email, or even a phone call. Either way, don't string them along. Be clear about exactly why you're reaching out so your ex isn't left wondering.
Be aware of whether your ex can really give you what you need. If your goal is to get answers to questions you still have about the breakup, reach out only if you believe your ex has your best intentions at heart or if you believe your ex will be willing to give you honest answers. If your breakup was hostile, chaotic, or involved one or both people getting deeply hurt, understand your ex may not be willing to help you get better closure—either because they don't care about your well-being, they're too resentful, or they simply got too hurt and need to take care of themselves.
There's no rule saying you can't text your ex just because they're in a new relationship, but do be considerate. If they seem genuinely happy with someone else, let them be happy. You can still reach out if you need closure or feel like you should apologize for something you did in the relationship, but be sure to directly state that you're not looking to get back together—you just want to talk.
Consider whether what you want to say is best said over text, by phone, or in person. If you just want to apologize and make peace, a text exchange might be sufficient, especially if you think seeing each other face to face again might be too hard or too confusing. But if you want to discuss the possibility of getting back together, that's probably a conversation best had in person.
If your ex hasn't responded to your texts, DMs, social media comments, or any other form of communication, it's time to back off. They might not want any form of communication with you, and you need to be able to respect their decision and their needs.
Their silence says all you need to know about the prospect of getting back together or being friends again. Even if you're sending a thoughtful, well-worded apology text, understand that your ex doesn't owe you gratitude, forgiveness, or really anything. The bottom line: If you're going to reach out and text your ex, be thoughtful and exercise a lot of empathy.
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Our FREE doctor-approved gut health guide. You are now subscribed Be on the lookout for a welcome email in your inbox! Main Navigation. Should I Text My Ex? I guess I pissed him off and he said don't wait for him. I admit to coming off as needy and desperate at the end as I said that I still want him and letting him know that we can be great together against all odds, adding that this time apart will probably help.
He hasn't responded. I'm beginning to go into the no contact, but I'm not sure of where this will end for us. What do you think? It would depend on the circumstances of why he didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Based on what he's said, it would seem like the best possible route to take for now is to respect that decision to take time apart which you can implement NC concurrently.
Start again as friends down the road and if an opportunity presents itself and you still have feelings for him, you could always consider starting something again. However, don't deliberately wait for that opportunity, and I would suggest moving forward with your life for now.
When i read your articles i realized that the no contact thing is the right call and immediately stopped contacting her but now theres only 2 weeks till she comes home.
Our breakup wasn't bad and i know she still has feelings for me. What should i say to her when i see her? Start by acknowledging the issues of the relationship with an elephant in the room text, followed by a light conversation to break the ice since it has been awhile that you last spoke to her.
Hi, pls I really need your advice on this. This guy said he's not ready for a relationship cos of some reasons even though he once asked me out. We actually spoke a couple of times after that but I kinda got tired of pretending to be cool with the whole friendship thing.
So I decided to use no contact to move on and if possible, get him back. I did no contact for 2 months. In the first month, I broke the no contact to call him back after I ignored his call, which he didn't pick or return. So I decided to start no contact from day one again. I completed the 30 days no contact successfully and 6 days after which was 4 days ago , he called me but I didn't pick cos I wasn't ready to talk to him.
I later messaged him the next day. I then asked what he wanted to talk about but he didn't reply and I left it that way. So now I'm wondering if I should wait for him to contact me again or I should? Instead of going about this hot and cold game of missing each others calls and ignoring replies, how about try reaching out and if he doesn't respond, the next time he reaches out again you should answer.
We were good in the relationship. I finally gave in and went into no contact. We both said we learned from our experience but I feel like if I had this knowledge of a real relationship before it would of worked even better.
Your mentality is the right one to have as it doesn't build up unnecessary expectations that would cause you to do something you'd end up regretting. If she has blocked you currently, going about no contact until she eventually unblocks you would be the best way to go about it, because it doesn't overstep boundaries of you approaching her while she isn't ready.
It also sets you up nicely to reconnect since by the time she unblocks you, she would have at least accepted the breakup previously and may not harbor any negative emotions towards you already. People tell me to move on but something in my heart tells me to keep fighting.
I would honestly suggest in this case that you go into no contact and actually consider moving forward with your life for the time being. While she may not hate you, it may still be a while before she's ready to talk to you again and you don't want to just be sitting around waiting for that day to come. Your chance would probably come sometime in the future when both of you have progressed and grown in your own ways, and she has totally let go of the past. At that time, she would have definitely moved on and you might even have as well but should you still have feelings for her, that would be the best time to start over.
You would have to win her heart all over again but it would beat trying to pick up broken pieces of the relationship right now. Hry i had a 2 year relationship with my ex now she has moved on and we ended up in awful terms i contacted her after 20 days now she speaks with me in fine manner moreover she also sometimes speak on the call that everything is going wrong from the day you left but when i talk about getting back together she changes the topic She also invited me for a hangout How to get her back and break her currwnt relationship.
Take things slow, and avoid jumping the gun on asking her to get back together each time you talk to her. Build the attraction up bit by bit before taking things to the next step.
I messed up. I accused my fwb of something only to find out I was wrong. This is the second time we had a huge fight. The first was I implemented no contact but only lasted for few days because he reached out and I did not resist.
Now, since I know I was at fault, I voluntarily told him, Im going to step back. He said, he will give me time for myself to think things through. He cant forgive and trust me anymore for what I have done. He also said that he does not want to see me. But he also mentioned that I can still count on him but he cant be supporting my behaviour. I scared him, thats what he said. I came off extremely needy and impulsive. Will the no contact gonna work for us?
Does he really mean what he said? Any perspective please. It sounds like he still has feelings for you but is simply feeling hurt and betrayed right now. Giving both parties some space and breathing room would probably help, especially once he calms down a little more and is more receptive towards your approach in mending the situation.
Someone help. We went out for 2 months and contacted ex after a month, he blocked me via phone and everything however I called him with no number and he picked up. I apologised for everything and he apologised for hurting me. Only spoke for 1 min. How do I go about contact now? Currently, you should wait until he unblocks you before reaching out again. If you go about doing so with private numbers, it'll only make him think that you're behaving desperately and it would push him further away.
Let him come to terms with things at his own pace. The thing is when we argued, he blocked me from everything. Even calls. So I had to call him with no number. So how do I go about everything now. The only way to get in touch with him is if I call with no caller ID, please help. At this point, you're going to have to simply wait until he unblocks you because continuously contacting him through private numbers is one of the fastest way to push him away because that behavior will come across as desperate and stalkerish.
Thanks for the reply. He also said when I was pregnant that he has a girlfriend. Just losing hope to be honest. It might honestly be better to make the decision to walk away instead. It's less emotionally abusive to yourself in the long run, especially if you never know whether he might decide to unblock you or not.
If you decide that you want to pursue this still, every week may be a little extreme maybe try a text once every 2 weeks, and if after 2 months you still don't get a reply, you're probably better off moving on.
So I contacted him on no caller ID a week ago, he was pleasant at first and then told me that it would be best if I stopped contacting him in case his so called gf finds out. Anyway the next day he unblocks me on WhatsApp and tells me he wants to meet up with me and sleep with me basically. I said I was busy on those days he suggested however I did ask him if he would like to meet this Friday. Please help. If he didn't respond to you, don't pressure him or bring it up again and give him some space for the time being before considering to reach out or ask him out again.
You want to show him you've changed and are capable of taking things easy so don't get impatient or freak out if he doesn't respond the way you intend for him to. Thank you! I love this site. The last message I sent his was last Friday, when I asked him if he would be available this Friday evening. When would I send him a message again? When would I send him a message again and what would I say?
So I met up with him today and we slept together. Like just an hour. Anyway it was so awkward. I took him a bar of chocolate though as a peace offering, he did say thanks. So what do I do now in regards to contact? Danielle, I just read through your message I have contacted my ex after no contact for1 and a half months, we went out for two months. I spaced three good reminder messages out within two weeks.
All three were ignored. Its been 2 weeks since I last sent that last message. Hi, my husband recently left me for someone else. We have a 5 month old and a 2 year old together. This has actually been a good thing for me even though I am obviously heartbroken.
It would work if the changes you made to yourself during no contact were prominent enough, and the relationship he once shared with you was a meaningful one which it sounded like. My gf and I both 20 were together for 5 months, and she recently broke up with me saying that she thinks she wants to do her own thing. However, she was obviously very upset with it and was bawling. We were very close. Basically, I texted her and asked if she had seen the Halloween movie trailer.
It was a brief but good conversation. Also, what might be worth noting is that we both acted very mature during the break up process. I then went straight into NC for two weeks with making any of those common post-break up mistakes at all.
So I guess my next questions are: 1. Do you think my text was a good move? Is there a possibility she found it to be desperate? Where do I go from here? Like when do I text her again, and what should it be about? Overall, does this seem like a salvageable situation to you? Your text seemed fine and her response also indicated that it wasn't overbearing or desperate.
The only chances of that happening was if she had a negative perception of you already, and by contacting her, it further reinforced that idea. Perhaps wait a couple of days before reaching out again and starting a new topic. You can use this article for more ideas. Based on how she responded, there doesn't seem to be any resentment but it would still depend on where she stands on the whole 'wanting to do her own thing' and if she's open to the idea of a relationship at this point again or not.
Thanks for the reply Ryan! We had a good conversion about it, longer than our last one, and I again got a better response than I was expecting. Even some laughing emojis, lol. She seemed pretty invested with the conversation. I noticed the conversation kinda starting to get dull after a little while, so I decided to stop texting her at that point. But something in me is telling me that I should give it a try. The season finale of big brother is on September 26th.
My thought is that I ask her if she wants to watch it together. Me attempting power moves like that are kinda what brought us together in the first place. I dunno. Good idea or should I use a different text? Your overall thoughts on my big brother plan? If she were to say no, what step do I take from there? Is it just time to move on at that point or is there still a chance after I give her some more space?
A little unrelated to my previous questions- she has been very active on social media all of a sudden. It just seems off to me. No captions, nothing exciting. Nothing with friends. One selfie posted. It may be irrational for me to think that way. Could be completely coincidental. Just a thought. Apologies for the delayed response.
How did your plan fair? It seemed like a good one, and to help you with some of the questions you had, if she responds negatively towards it, your chances are not ruined or anything. Simply back away for the time being, give her some space before approaching again. It might be a little sudden to pull a big move on her but since that's what made her fall for you in the first place, I don't see the harm in simply being yourself.
The sudden posting on social media may not have to do with the one who gets dumped in the relationship but rather the one who's determined to convince themselves that they're okay. It seems like perhaps she's in the missing you stage and may have gotten affected by you, which resulted in her sudden outbursts of posts. Alternatively, it could have simply had nothing to do with anything and there was no ulterior motive for it.
Thank you for a great article. My situation. My ex and I dated for roughly six months. Quite quickly she introduced me to her parents and was spending almost every weekend at my place, texting me every day, and we talked on the phone every night. I have friends, hobbies, and self-help events I go to.
I was trying to find balance, but it was becoming too much for me, too quickly. She said she needed more time with me so I tried to meet her for dinner once a week after work. One night, I said something in reflection that probably opened up one of her wounds I let her know I did not feel like cuddling. She got up, made a snide comment and left. I let her know I wanted her to stay, but she left. I was busy the next day or two and do not sweep things under the rug.
She texted me not addressing what happened. Two days later when I called her after limited texts she broke up with me. It sucked, but I accepted it. Two days later shes texting me how hard it is. I texted back in agreement. She then texted me again. I am trying to move on and this confused me so I emailed her about how I am trying to move on and her contacting me confuses me.
A few days later she texts me again. Every few days she would text me. Finally, out of frustration, I emailed her back letting her know that it hurts me greatly every time she contacts me to talk and then to just say once again, "I don't want to be with you" and I asked her to not contact me again. A month later I emailed her asking if she would like to open up communication.
She replied with my prior email the one in which I asked her to not contact me and told me she has no interest in ever speaking with me. Fast forward a month now and I noticed she unblocked me on Facebook. What's interesting to me is that on the first break up call she mentioned how I was the healthiest relationship she had and it's hard because we had such great communication. I think our communication sucked.
Had she opened up to me and shared with me what I say or do that hurts her, I could have had a chance to change some things, which I am open to. However, I don't feel she did or if she did it was like in a passive way. Anyhow, I am curious to see if she wants to talk. I am just so open to honest communication and would like to see if she would like to talk. What are your thoughts? Remember that people communicate at different frequencies and you can't simply force her to adopt yours if you wanted to her to open up to you even if it was a better method.
Perhaps this time if you try reaching out again, gain her trust first and slowly warm her up to the idea of opening up bit by bit instead of expecting her to communicate in the same way immediately which might overwhelm her. My GF of 5 years blindsided me with a breakup recently. I was needy and bargaining for one week via text and wrote her a couple long romantic letters. Obviously didn't work.
Since then I've been NC. How do I validate that I've made these changes in a way that proves to her I have? Social Media? Just pictures of my new lifestyle? This is important because if I just say I've changed, she won't believe me. We have no mutual friends even though we live in the same city recently moved here.
The breakup sucks, but it forced me to address a lot of issues with myself. I just want to show her genuine change but I have a credibility problem effectively. Also, any advice on overcoming the disapproval of her friends? I think they are going to pressure her not to give me another go, even in a new relationship.
Thanks, great site. Start with social media updates and if you begin a conversation with her again, instead of telling her you've changed, show her with your actions. If her friends are disapproving of you, you might have to keep things slow and steady with her, as well as low key with her friends preferably out of the picture until she begins to trust you again.
Is it ok to break NC just to let my ex know I am doing ok? I just started NC after 5 ish weeks of trying to talk but her responses became less frequent.
Is it considering breaking NC if she texts first and I am just letting her know I am doing ok? Yes, if it helps with the assurance and frequency of texting, just let her know that you're fine and you need some time to yourself to process everything that has happened, before continuing with NC again. My girlfriend and I broke up due to distance and the uncertainty that I will get to go to grad school near her.
We dated for a year and a half. We talked after the break up but her responses became less and less and eventually they would be a day later. I never acted irrationally or needy, I would also wait to reply, etc, but I almost always initiated the conversation. Six weeks after the break up I saw she comments on his pictures heart eyes and such.
Once I saw the comments, I initiated no contact. But I also posted a social media story of me and my friends at a party, then the first text of hers came. I feel like I should let her know I am going to do not contact her for a while, or maybe even not do a NC since we left on good terms, still loving each other, it was just the distance being too hard on both of us, but her especially.
Any advice? Any special advice about after NC since we still will be long distance and unsure of where I will be? Perhaps it would be a better idea for you to figure out what you want first and foremost, because it seems that she definitely wanted you with her but if there was uncertainty regarding grad school or anything else , it would have been from your end subconsciously.
Only when you've at least made up your mind, would you be able to work on a plan and whether to go into NC, maintain contact, or walk away. Hi, I admit that I am really having a hard time doing no contact.
Whenever I would try doing it my ex would get mad at me or play the pity card. I'm really confused about our situation right now because she says she doesn't want to get back together but whenever we meet up she wants to hold hands or cuddle because it doesn't "feel right" otherwise. Whenever we do go out we would only spend a short time before she would say that we shouldn't spend too much time together because there should be boundaries between us. She would discuss to me her goals in life and her plans for the future and would jokingly say that we could get back together when she sorts things out.
I'm so confused.. I'm starting to think she's just toying with me. What should I do in this situation? I think I was needy and panic alot which always bring issues before he finally breakup wit me. He said we should be friends but I refused to remain friends. I want to contact him or what should I do next. Ive been broken up with my ex for 5 monrhs now. After the 2nd month in she was already seeing another guy. At first she didnt want to tell me but i grinded it out of her.
I ended up seeing them at the bar and kinda freaking out. Saying j wanted some stuff back that i originally said she could keep. She ended up blocking me on every social media platform, txts and blocked all my friends and had her one gay friend who i was suppose to be cool with block me as well. I know people who know her and say shes still seeing this guy.
Which is a type of guy shes said she would never be interested in bar star i didnt socialize much so i feel like shes going out a lot more cause we didnt.
Her dads death anniversary is in a few days and i helped out a lot with that situation and have a connection there.
I wanted to send a txt or email if im not blocked just saying thinking about your dad If she still has you blocked, there's a good chance that emailing her about her dad won't do anything for the situation, and you might want to give her some time to let the rebound relationship take it's course, before trying to reach out again to reconnect.
Me and my ex just broke up recently, and I'm starting the NC now. We have been dating for months and I thought that everything was great between us. But when I told him that I was falling for him, he could not say the same to me. Eventually we broke up because he said that he was unsure of his feelings, that he really liked me but he wasn't in love with me and could'nt continue unless he really felt something strong for me.
And since I'm leaving for another city for 3 months, he said it would be better do end it now rather than try and work it out. We haven't spoken since the break up since he wanted time for himself. I miss him so much and we had a really great time together. Is it still possible to get him back? I said to him that I would miss him, and then he cried, what does that mean?
When the NC is over, how do I initiate contact again? Can I wish him a happy birthday, since it will be his birthday by then? Also, I'm thinking of sending a very short goodbye letter to him 4 days after the breakup, to remind him of the good memories we created and show him that I have accepted the break up and also to ease the pressure from him. What do you think about that? To answer your questions: 1 There's a chance as long as you're able to re-create the spark with him upon re-contact.
She also called me and we had a good convo but I was a bit needy and made sarcastic remarks telling her to come back. What do I do now? Do I text her after a week and attract her through messages? Depending on how long the relationship was, perhaps try completing NC before reaching out and building attraction, and learn to control your emotions so as to not potentially ruin your chances by acting needy or sarcastic in the future.
Me and my ex were dating for a year and two months before she said she wanted to take a break she said that we can still talk and do phone calls.
She said that she still loved me and wanted to get back together later on. The next day she unfollows and unfriends me on social media. We were talking about meeting up shortly after she had said she wanted to take a break.
Talking about it hurt both of us. So I suggested that we don't talk at all. A week later I message her and her replies are terse not at all what she would reply to me with.
The first day of talking was all good and light hearted. The second day not so much, when I asked her how she was doing she said that I was making it hard for her to move on. She told me to move on as well and that nothing I said would change anything.
The next day I asked if we were permanently over and she said yes, when I asked if she would ever like to get back together she said she didn't know. She also said she didn't know what she would feel in the future. I went to my friend for advice and he messaged her without my knowing and he asked her about our relationship my friend ended up getting blocked. Later that same day she messages me saying we are over stop messaging your friends for advice and then having them message me.
After that she blocked me on instagram. Before she had me blocked on snapchat. Stop trying to win her back right now, and pick yourself out of the emotional stage you're going through. These actions would come across to her as needy and desperate, and would only push her away. Work on improving yourself, and make positive changes to your life first, before reconnecting to her again in the future as friends first, before thinking of anything further.
Hi, just found this site and a lot of it really resonates with me. My story is: My ex and I have been broken up a month now, it needed because i pushed her away towards the end of our relationship as I was not communicating well, became a little controlling although I did not realise until after and overall it became a toxic relationship from both ends but mainly my fault.
We were together a year and a half. The main problem in my case is that her friends turned on me and have been encouraging her to get on dating apps and taking out partying etc normal I suppose but i feel she really takes whatever they say on board and resents me more because of it. I have used this time to reaaally work on myself including gym counciling read a few books and the likes and want to communicate this to her. Anyways I hope I provided enough info and look forward to your advice - N.
It would seem like she simply going through a phase right now where exploring her options, having fun, and validating herself have become important parts of her life. You could follow this article regarding the gameplan to follow. My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We agree it wasn't either of our faults. She was super into me but broke it off because I flipped a trigger from one of her past relationships.
She said she just flipped the switch and just can't be with me romantically. She really cares for me and still wants me in her life. So a few texts back and forth, some she initiated and some I did. They were positive texts so I asked her to go on a hike. She was happy I asked her and we went on the hike.
She also said if I ever want to hike with her again to let her know. I felt like the conversation was really positive and we never brought up the relationship or directly asked how we are bettering ourselves. So not the question is how to proceed. She's around for a few more weeks then gone for work for a month.
Do I hang out with her a few more times? Fun and flirty texts only? Am I in the friend zone because she really wanted me as a friend? You're probably in the friend zone because she's scared of seeing you otherwise due to her past. It would be good to ease into things and take it a step at a time, because at least she's still talking to you so you'll have an easier time approaching her than someone who was blocked by their ex. I have had a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 Years, we rarely fought and had harmony, being able to talk about just anything, spending at least 3 hours stretched over the day on the phone each day.
The last months he changed due to stress at work, fear of losing his job and the ex wife fighting over sole custody for their kid claiming he abused both of them. He told me he is in a dark hole, he has to get out of it, he cried why the ex is doing this and he started getting jealous of other people: the parents preferring his nephew over his daughter, the colleague with the better pay, me with the bigger car and house, as well as my social background. I still believed in us, I was sure his problems suffocated our love and decided to support and keep loving him..
I was excited for him, hoping this will distract him from his every day stress and he told me all the plans they made.. My ex had set up a date 3 days after breaking up and lied to me about it.. I started no contact and am in my second week. He did text me apologizing telling me I am so close to his heart and he wants to remain in my life.. I responded with: I wish no further contact with you.. Is there hope? I love him and I would take him back if he sees a therapist, what we had was this silent understanding, being always on the same page and this grown subtle love.
Well, you're probably going to have to help him see reason and encourage him to seek therapy if you actually want him back, or he might not even come to realize the need to do so. Me and my boyfriend were together for Should I wait? If he's not ready to talk, trying to clarify would only make things worse as he may not want to hear what you have to say. I would suggest waiting for him to return the second time around before reaching out.
Hello, My Ex and I had been dating for the past 7 months, we had talked about wanting a family together and the future. He has a stressful job and things have been going wrong with it lately, which I feel contributed to him giving up on our relationship. Before dating me he was in a 4 year relationship that they lived together although the last year he said was like roommates with no feelings.
About two weeks after the decision to leave me we met for the key exchange, he had lost weight and looked tired. I broke no contact for a simple birthday message, I will start again maybe till the end of next month. Thank you, Emily. Keep in mind that even if this works, it may happen again whenever he is stressed, as long as you think you're still contributing to it.
Perhaps it would be good to figure out if there's any way to alleviate your factor, which may help him stay on in the future. We were together for 3. What she did to me really hurt me. I had no intent of talking to her ever again.
We would still keep in contact. So I moved back to the city where we were living approx 3 months ago. So during the course of two of those months we would talk on the phone for a couple of hours once or twice a wk. I later found out that she was still with the person she moved on to after me. There's a chance that she still has unresolved feelings for you but is caught in a situation where her current relationship makes it hard for her to progress any further.
That being said, there's also a chance that she's simply bored of her current relationship and you provide a relief to that.
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